Where are the frickin aliens?

Dear Dave Marcucci:

We’d like to invite you to reconnect with SETI@home. Our records show that you’ve been with SETI@home since 20 May 1999, but it’s been 313 days since you last returned a work unit. We want you back, and here’s why:

As we approach our 10th anniversary we are collecting data faster than ever before at the at the world’s largest radio telecope in Arecibo, Puerto Rico, using a state-of-the-art multibeam receiver, so we can now measure signals from 7 positions on the sky at once, with greater sensitivity to weak signals compared to the data from the flat feed antenna we’ve used since 1999. We’ve greatly increased the sensitivity of our data analysis, and the likelihood that we’ll find the first signs of extraterrestrial life. We also released a second application, Astropulse, which will look for extremely short pulses of astronomical (and possibly intelligent) origin using the same multibeam data. We are close to finishing work on our Near Time Persistency Checker, which will be the first time we can generate an up-to-date list of interesting points in the sky, and adjust them, as fresh data come in every day.

With these new developments comes an increase in required computing power, for which we depend on people like you. We hope you will consider signing back on with SETI@home, and help in this wonderful scientific venture.

If you experienced problems running SETI@home, please try any of the resources listed at:http://setiathome.berkeley.edu/sah_help.php including the BOINC Online Help System which lets you talk live, over the Internet, with a help volunteer:http://boinc.berkeley.edu/help.php

We thank you for your involvement in SETI@home, and hope that you rejoin us in our search for signals from other worlds.

– The SETI@home team

SETI@home – http://setiathome.berkeley.edu
Space Sciences Laboratory / 7 Gauss Way
University of California, Berkeley, CA 92740-7450

Dear SETI@home,

I have been a member for 10 years and my computers have done a lot of analysis for your project.  Still, my numbers are minuscule compared to others in the program.  Nevertheless, you have failed to find the aliens in those 10 years.  It seems cattle herders, hay farmers, and Mexicans have no problems finding them.  They visit some places daily to abduct, experiment, and deliver regular anal probes to these people.  Still, with all that data and high powered techno-gizmo crap you have access to, you haven’t found squat.

So where are the frickin aliens?  So far the only thing I have as a result of being a member of your program is a hot lap and low sperm count as my laptop continues to run at 100% CPU on all cores and a comfy 92 degrees Celsius.  This is why I have shifted my BOINC membership to the PRIMEGRID project, because they are looking for large prime numbers, and prime numbers don’t have intergalactic ships with laser beams that can hide from detection.

Sincerely,
Dave Marcucci

NOTE: This is geek humor, I’m sorry if you don’t get it.